You find that your best friend has stolen money to pay for medical treatment for a seriously ill relative. What would you do?Umm, nothing? Offer to help with my own money if I could to avoid the friend maybe getting in trouble?
What three things you regret not learning to do? Learning another language, learning how to play guitar, and learning a sport...I mean I love WATCHING sports, it would be pretty cool if I could play them(well) too. LOL
I think I have a nasty case of the Monday Bla's. The weekend was rough, spent with me battling either the onset of a cold or allergies from hell, and my mother calling to inform me of all the things I have forgotten to feel guilty about. I can always depend on her to remind me why I should never be happy[rolling eyes].
I am slowly starting to wish I had readers. I am starting to feel a tiny bit silly typing to myself, even though I have spent decades talking to myself without problem. Thing is, I am not so arrogant to assume anyone would really flock to read about my stuffy head, lack of sex, or overbearing mother. LOL I am lucky if I remember this blog for more than a day or two at a time, but maybe if I had people I felt like I was talking to I would be more eager to jump in...or maybe not.
I ended up talking to the man that used to be here over the weekend. That was loads of fun, let me tell you. I had to pretend everything was sunshine and roses, and listen to how different his life is now. It may have been wishful thinking, but I think I sensed a little regret in his tone...I am not even sure why I'd hope for regret on his part, because I am almost positive we are way too far gone to ever even really 'be friends' again. We do have a few strings tying us together indefinitely, but as far as us ever being "us" again...just don't think I have it in me, nor will I ever. There is too much past hurt. Even so, it would feel good if he would feel terrible about it, even a little.
I don't even know what to say, other than AAACCHHOOO!
Yesterday in my meme I was talking about my friend that I missed so much, and as soon as I shut down my computer and jumped into the TastyMobile the radio played two songs in a row, both of which had pretty strong mental association with that friend. Made me miss that closeness that much more.
So after much deliberation, I decided to join in one one of the many photo memes, just because this one will be even more fun to try to hide the real me. After peeking around, I realize my desire for total anonymity will make my pictures extremely tame compared to others but, since no one but me reads this, what does it really matter, right?
I wasn't able to sleep much, but the dreams I had when I did sleep were the kind that left me blushing, sweaty, and very tuned in to anything that touched my skin. The person in the dream with me was faceless as far as I remember, but the delicate touch seamed familiar in some way. I can still feel those invisible hands on my skin, and now even the feel of my clothing brushing against my flesh makes me tremble. I woke up to find my hair in a tangled, sweaty mess around me, my body thrashing, my hands running up and down my thighs, and my heart pounding in my chest as I struggled to catch my breath. I begged my body to go back to sleep, to finished what the dream started but it was useless. I was awake and the moment was gone. Even now I can feel that longing to be back in the dream...with whoever it was, the person that I know-yet is unknown. I know when I woke up I was probably seconds away from drowning in passion...if only I could have stayed asleep for a moment more....Oh. So not fair. Even my sex dreams are leaving me wanting! LOL
So I was amusing myself by looking at blogs again, yes still too chicken shit to comment or draw attention to myself, and I happened upon this blog here(which is a cool enough blog anyway, because the girl blogging there has sass and a half) when I saw the funniest image in her sidebar so I am putting it here so I can look at it whenever I need another laugh. I swear if there was such things as animated t-shirts I would definitely be having that image pasted across my chest! LOLAhh....TOTALLY made my day.
Daily Confession: I have taken to reading those cheesy romance novels I used to mock and call silly. I am not sure if their semi-erotic love scenes are making my sexual frustration better...or worse!
Ehh, fuck it. So the only meme I wanted to do hasn't updated since Febuary 6. Who cares? There are a lot on the site and I haven't done any of them...so if nothing else I can work backwards on them until another gets posted. Right? Plus in the comments there was this blog...oh...that got me kinda steamy....God, I know it is neither dainty nor feminine to have this savage carnal hunger for flesh, but it has been so long. Men are allowed to be starved for gratification, they are supposed to want sex. Why does it seam so unflattering for a woman? Anyway....I was going to...like do questions and stuff, right?
1. for you, is sex hotter when it is forbidden? or are you the sort that is wracked with guilt and it is not enjoyable? Is there a way to answer yes to both? Everything has a little more steam rising off of it when it is forbidden. I come from a very uptight, sexually closed off family(where my mother would have preferred we all think I was a virgin birth). When I asked where babies came from, I was given a book. No explanation, no one to answer questions, just a book with a sperm wearing a tuxedo(and no, that is not a joke). So to me, even this blog...even talking about sex, admitting how much I want it is really hot. Now I have never actually had 'forbidden sex', but if it is anything like I imagined it in my head a hundred thousand times when I was with Him("Him" is, of course the man that recently left), oh God, is it ever hotter. I had a close friend when I was with Him, and let me tell you...I had about a thousand romantic interludes with that friend in my mind. He was terribly jealous of this friend of mine, even though I never told him about my erotic fantasies, and would have made my life miserable if I had gone through with any of them...but I had every detail playing out in my mind...and often when I was left to tend to my own sexual needs this friend is the one I was imagining instead of the man I was with. I still wonder if this friend had any clue...I ended up having to give up this friend because of my ongoing relationship, something I doubt I will ever stop regretting. BUT, on the other half of the question(the guilt issues) I think if I was in a committed loving relationship, I would feel guilty. Yes, guilty, even though the man in my life would either completely ignore my naked body, begging him to come to me, or he would have violent, angry sex with me, that felt less like trying to satisfy my needs(which it never did) and more like punishing me for wanting sex...all the while giving loving, tender sex to any random woman he could find that was willing. (Ooo...bitter much, Tasty? LOL)
2. are casual sexual encounters fulfilling to you, or do you need an emotional commitment from your partner? This is hard to say, because I haven't had casual sex since high school. I guess right now, in my current situation I'd take either, or both. But, to me at least, sex at its 'best' should at least include a friendship to be satisfying. I don't mean I'm only putting out if I have exclusive rights to your underpants, but I am not sure I can enjoy lovemaking if there isn't some form of love there-in any form(romantic/friendly/etc). One of the things I love the most about erotic acts are knowing the pleasure I am causing someone, and if I don't know that someone well enough to give a shit if they are feeling fulfilled or not, I think that would somehow take away from my pleasure...OK, maybe not take away from my pleasure-it would just please me MORE to be gratifying AS I was gratified. OK, I am not making any sense now. Next....lol 3. do you think that with all of the online dating sites that cater to every fetish and desire and places like craigslist that it's more difficult to stay committed to your partner? Isn't that kind of like blaming the gun companies for the gang shootings, or the cigarette companies for the cancer? If you want to step out on your relationship, you will find a way...the fact that you don't have to work quite so hard isn't going to make you more or less likely. How many times has someone said, "Oh, I was going to cheat on my husband...but I just couldn't find anyone.". If you want to, you will....that's just how it is.
OK, I had no idea I was going to get this chatty. These might have been intended for yes and no answers. LOL I am kind of sad no one else will read these. I just don't know how to work up the courage to comment on those meme sites to draw attention to myself. The story of my life...I want attention, but I am too ashamed of my wants to ask for help with them. LOL
So after getting all excited, there really aren't that many good Wednesday Meme's, are there? I mean some days you have to go through a ton of them to chose one but on Wednesday I was lucky to find one that looked fun...and after looking more closely the one I like hasn't been updated since February 6th. Well, dammit. I might have to actually blog using my own brain today.
Maybe I will use this as an excuse to look at some of those other blogs doing meme's to see if any of them might have other Wednesday games they play that aren't listed on that Daily Meme site(I already found one called Wordless Wednesday, but I really suck at going wordless...I'd prefer 'talk everyone's ear off because you have chronic diarrhea of the mouth Wednesday' or something).
I have a somewhat cute neighbor that was giving me the 'hey, baby' look yesterday, and I found heat collecting in several different locations. No, I will not DO anything about it. Office romances are messy because if you do the Boo-Yah and then break it off, the workplace becomes even more stressful-in fact so much so many people quit their jobs after that. If you screw the socks off a cute neighbor because he smiled at you and then realize it was a serious misstep what the hell are you supposed to do? Move? Yea, NOT happening. Ahh, but I can imagine it a little(especially in the shower). No, I DID not just say that out loud.
Besides, I am so sexually frustrated he might not have even been flirting. It could be 100% in my head...I mean my mind has been wandering into pretty much every pair of nice looking pants I pass on the street, and the hornier I get the more optimistic I get about my abilities to seduce. I'll be going through the grocery store isle thinking, "Yea, I could fuck her. Him? Oh definitely....her? Might take dinner and a few drinks....oh he'd be naked before I even knew his last name..." There is seriously something wrong with someone when their brain starts doing that, isn't there?
I don't know what the hell I am doing at this point. I think I might need to get myself a really good vibrator before I hurt someone(or end up with carpal tunnel).
OK, off to find a way to anonymously read blogs and explore the 'net in search of something to make my Wednesday less boring.
Daily Confession: I opened my actual blog in another window so I could listen to that damned song I posted yesterday while I type because it is STILL stuck in my head.
1. What can you consider as the greatest thing you've ever done for/ to yourself? Stepped back and actually tried to look at my relationship with the man in my life for what it was, and try to understand how everyone else saw it. Made me realize I had been fairly blind for a very long time.
2. What/ Which part of your life you think you could have done better and why? Oh, that would take a very long time to answer. I guess I wish I had allowed myself more time to be a kid and have fun before trying to jump into June Cleaver's body.
3. Do you have that one person whom you consider to be the wind beneath your wings? I thought I did.
4. Tell us about your longest relationship. I really picked a bad day to start this meme-I thought it would be fun, light, and sexy, LOL. OK. It was a long, long relationship where I smiled and tried to look pretty for the man in my life while he ran around doing whatever he pleased. Then he was gone, and I was left here, unable to pretend anymore, wondering who the hell I actually was.
5. In a relationship, when do you get to that point of enough is enough? I have no idea. I am an eternal optimist sometimes, in a bimbo-ish way. I didn't know I was even on the highway until I was being run over by a diesel.
Bonus (as in optional):What is that one intimate moment with someone you miss so much and what are you willing to risk to have another moment of it. ;) Only one? LOL OK, flesh to flesh, bare hands running over sweat moistened skin, legs tangled up in a mess of rumpled hotel sheets. The phone is off the hook, the air smells heavy of lovemaking, and no one will be interrupting. 4 bare feet nudging each other gently, and hot breath is racing down the back of my neck, making my spine tingle. Fingers play me like a harp. Mouths mesh. Intense passion, no words, only filtered, flickering light. I remember every second, every sensation...but the only way to get it back, I fear, is to risk my heart, which is still on the mend. And I am afraid.
See, I am already starting to feel better about myself. I remembered that I have a blog for TWO days in a row. My mother would be so proud.
OK, as much fun as those daily memes look like they will be, doing nothing but memes sort of seams like cheating. It is one thing to use them to inspire creativity, or on days when I really can think of nothing further to say, but to only do memes...I wouldn't feel right about it, and I really have no explanation why. So, I am going to allow myself to do a meme every day that I can actually come up with another post-which I have to do first or I might be tempted to 'come back later' for my real post and then...not come back. I am not going to be a Nazi about it or anything though. Some days if my mind is a blank I'll do just a meme. I am going to try to commit to one specific daily meme per day(that daily meme site has TONS for every day) so I can kind of get into a groove.
Let's see, random news about today.
For some reason this song has been stuck in my head for days. Umm, hello high school? (Whoa, that may have just dated me!)
Please do not ask me why or how it got stuck in my head, because I haven't the foggiest idea. I downloaded it onto the iPod the other day, thinking that the ability to hear it again and again would get it off my mind but that plan backfired. I now hear it even in my sleep. I guess it could be worse. It could be like the time I walked around singing Elmo's World for a week.
Other news. After peeking at various other blogs, too freaking timid to comment and draw attention to myself and my blog, I saw many bloggers use nicknames and acronyms when trying to anonymously refer to people in their lives. So the guy that once I called 'man in my life' and is now NOT in my life needs a catchy nickname. I can think of a few, but then I might have to change the settings on my blog to say 'adult content'...so I will be thinking about that for a bit.
OK, I am running out of things to say. I'm going to go do a Tuesday meme now.
Daily Confession: I am finding myself more drawn to the sexy memes, and I wonder if it is because I am so freaking sexually deprived that I am slowly turning into some horny old lady.
How did you celebrate your last birthday? Let's see. My last birthday was spent with my family, and were were all trying to ignore the giant elephant in the room...err...or the giant elephant that wasn't in the room. Yea, the man in my life was obviously not there...first time since high school I didn't get sex on my birthday. Not that sex is all he was good for. He was also good for...umm... Well, he did pretty well when he......err... See, I KNOW he was........... Can I come back with this later? I need to think.
What's the last thing you bought yourself, just for fun? Ooo! I just bought some of this body spray from Victoria's Secret. Beauty Rush 'body double mist' in the scent Slice of Heaven. It makes my skin feel deliciously silky and gives my cleavage a sexy little sheen, AND it makes me smell like cookies. OMG, it is so sweet it makes me want to...like...do stuff to myself...It was a totally unnecessary impulse purchase that I grabbed on my way to the check out counter with my new undies, but it was so, SOOOO worth it.
What would the child you once were think of the adult you have become? Little Tasty would totally kick Big Tasty's ass. Seriously.
(Eek. I don't think I like being called 'Big Tasty'. In fact, no one is EVER, EVER allowed to EVER call me Big Tasty. Hell, no one is allowed to call me big ANYTHING. Ack)
So once again I forgot I had a blog for a few days. Weird. Normally I am a fairly intelligent woman, despite what some that knew me in high school might say. I think there are a few things keeping me from blogging more frequently.
First of all, I have been feeling kinda mean and bitchy. The fact is I am bored, lonely, and haven't been laid since bikini season. I mean when the man in my life walked off into the sunset, he took pretty much my entire social life with him. The situation made it hard to talk to friends(the few that were even still willing to talk) and left me in the most desperate isolation imaginable. Fuck, even the friends still hanging around are hard to trust, because I can never know if they really want to be a part of my life, or if they just need something juicy to liven up the email water-cooler discussions.
Secondly, only I have ever read the blog, so I know I don't have an audience. While an audience would cause pressure to perform, something the man in my life frequently had problems with(See, what I mean? I *am* bitchy and bitter), the plus side would be that the pressure would cause me to want to blog more to please them. I am not sure which I prefer...no readers to feel good about pleasing, or no readers to worry about disappointing. Both choices have their own unique perks you see.
Third, with everything going on in my life, blogging is hard when you want to remain so anonymous. I have to sit here and remember what I can and cannot say, and anything I want to type out has to go through my brain filter, which tends to not function adequately after a beer or two. And if you tell me to chose between blogging and beer...then who the hell needs a blog anyway, right?
One thing I am hoping will help is this site I found The Daily Meme. This site has a bunch of random things to do for your blog on specific days of the week. I know that is not particularly creative, but it can help give me something to do, maybe let this blog be some form of a creative outlet for me.
In fact, I am going there now to find a Monday meme to do....just for fun.
I'm a little excited now...not 'excited' in the good, wonderful way that I haven't been since...oh...bikini season?...but still, excited.
Daily Confession: I have set a little goal in my head to try to post here at least every weekday, and I really hope I can.
Hell, according to blogger its the same day since my last post, though I am a strong believer that it is not actually the next day until you have gone to sleep no matter what the clock or calender says.
So, its President's Day. Exciting stuff, right? All it means to me is any business I would need to go to on our day off to get stuff done is closed, and yet...I am here. With abso-farking-nothing to do. I need something creative to do here, something that I can try to achieve on a weekly or monthly basis, but also something that will help me maintain some degree of anonymity. The last thing I need is the man ONCE in my life stumbling here and using something I typed as poison against me. which he would...ahh, yes he would. And he would relish in it. It'd be like Christmas, but instead of Santa and his sleigh it would be Satan in a sports car...pissed off that I got tired of him filling everyone else's stockings.
I think I might be depressed...or mental.
I guess I can live with either.
Ho hum, off to find something to entertain me.
Daily Confession: He has left me so paranoid that I reread everything I type here about 14 times before actually publishing it, in fear I am giving away some clue to who I am that he will be able to trace.
Yea, so I started this a couple of years ago, posted for a few weeks then just forgot it ever existed. Yay me. Even with as few posts as I had, I just went through a deleted a lot of them. Some of them talk of the never ending true love I shared with the man of my life. Um, gag? Apparently it wasn't all that never ending because now I guess I can call him 'man NOT in my life'.
So, yea. So here I am on my own deciding I am going to try this blogging thing again. Not because I was so good at it, because frankly...I wasn't....but because I am really that bored. I just need a place to vent and scream, a place that does not have any preconceived notions about my thoughts or general behavior.
I also need a place where it is safe to admit...my GOD...how much I need to get laid. Good southern girls aren't supposed to actually enjoy having sex I suppose, because whenever I even jokingly mention my dry streak I am greeted with uncomfortable silence and quick changes of subjects. Sorry. The fact is I LIKE SEX, and I mean a lot. And not having it, since...uggh....summer means I think about it all the fucking time. I actually mentally undress people I pass on the street, yes even the ones you really never hope to mentally undress. Its sad...
So, this is hopefully the beginning of something. Or...maybe...I'll be back in 2010?
Daily Confession: I totally forgot to add a daily confession, and had to come back to add this.
For some reason those new, stupid Geiko commercials that have a real person telling about a claim, then have a star like Little Richard or Charo sitting next to them giving a fun version of the same story crack me up. I have no idea why because they really are a bit imbecilic, maybe it says something about my own personal maturity and intelligence. Oh well, there are few things in this world more humorous than Little Richard saying, "Mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. Mmmmmm!" while sitting next to a sedate, straight-faced woman on her sofa.
Well there is some distention building up between myself and the man in my life. We have been suffering from a bit of financial tension, probably the surest cause of most romantic discontentment, and have spent most nights going to sleep staring at opposite walls, hoping the other would roll over and say something kind. Sadly, with us both being so alike, it doesn't happen and we are both left silently pretending to sleep, screaming with our hearts for a good round of make up sex that never happens. We'll get through, its not even serious quarrels we are having, just those silly ones that seam to happen way too frequently, causing us both to wake in the morning wondering we got so carried away in the first place.
I should try to sleep, I suppose.
Daily Confession: I can get really mean when I am in the heat of an argument...so mean that it surprises even me.